windbag

So apparently Zeus or Posieden or Thor or whoever is in charge these days has had enough of this Boston Marathon nonsense, and has sent a storm to sweep all those overzealous fitness freaks into the wine-dark sea. To celebrate, Cape Cod is planning on turning out all the lights, shutting off the heat, and getting on each others' nerves by candlelight.

Meh, so there's a storm predicted for tomorrow through Tuesday. Gale force winds. Biblical rain. Whatev.

I'm taking the usual precautions, even though I don't think it'll amount to much except a few browned-out toasters and microwaves.

What are the usual precautions, you ask? Let's review:

1. Candles. Lots of them. If you get the kind that only last for about four hours, as pictured here, then you are less likely to set your house on fire because you fell asleep with candles burning and your cats knocked them over. Also, they sell them at Christmas Tree Shops for two bucks for a bag of fifty. Which is nice. Don't forget the matches.

Personally I like to start lighting candles while it is still light out, hours before the storm hits, when even if the power went out you would still not be in the dark. I think it confuses fate somehow. I am pretty good at confusing fate.

2. You will also want to have a swivel-head flashlight handy. Get fresh batteries now. I like to keep the flashlight very handy -- this one is located in the geographical center of the house, to minimize the pieces of furniture you will have to knock over to reach it. Also, it is against a wall, at a corner, so that you can easily locate it by groping along either wall in the dark.

3. Charge up that phone. You will want it for text messaging all your friends who have also lost power. Also, your mother will call you and ask you to come over and fix something at her house at the height of the storm. When the governor has declared a state of emergency and has forbidden all nonessential travel. This is when she will call. It will allow her to ask you if you think your own mother's health and safety is "nonessential." You will respond in the affirmative.

4. Crossword puzzles help relieve the crippling isolation and fear. They also help if you should happen to feel this way during a storm.

I usually recommend a radio with fresh batteries in it as well, but honestly during the last few storms I have found the radio to be pretty useless. Although they do come in handy when you want to listen to a ballgame.

Food is also a concern, but more so during winter storms. Three feet of snow complicate storms so much more. This is just gonna be rain, so I am going to just go with what I've got and hope for the best.

Make sure you have enough food for the cats, though. Because if you are trapped in the house with some cranky, hungry kittens, not even the Crossword Omnibus can save you then. And if crosswords can't help, then I got nothing for ya.

Point of interest: nobody says "nor-easter." Real live actual New Englanders say "Nawtheastah" but never, ever "nor-easter." That is just for wankerly weather announcers, washashores, and other poseurs.